I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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