the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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