I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
