How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
