eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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