You smell like a Billy Joel song
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
