He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
