corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
