Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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