And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
