how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
