Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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