On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
