Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
