apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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