My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You are the jesus of drinking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
