Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
