finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
