you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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