kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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