Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
