I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
