I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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