boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
