his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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