What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
