I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
