When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Welp...herpes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
