Grow some girl-balls and come out already
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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