got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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