Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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