i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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