the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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