So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
