Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
