who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
