I can't watch pbs sober anymore
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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