dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
