I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
