Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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