I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
