I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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