my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
