If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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