I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
