I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
