he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
