I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
