shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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