Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
