Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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